Saturday, May 05, 2018

Integral Spirituality/A Brief History Of Everything


Next week I am beginning a five week course called "Integral Spirituality".  I am been trying to get in better physical shape by being more active.  Now it is time to stretch my brain and challenge my intellect a little more.  This looks very interesting and I expect to also meet some very interesting people in the class.  Only people like me would sign up for such a class! 

This course employs the work of Ken Wilber to offer a multidimensional perspective on how meditation enhances the evolution of consciousness and personal transformation. It presents an easy-to-grasp map of human consciousness. Content includes: the integral vision, spiral dynamics, four corners of reality, stages of human development, the formation of the self, and integral life practices. 

Here are some comments I pulled from Amazon....

"In this 20th-anniversary edition of the bestselling work, Wilber takes readers on a journey from the Big Bang to the future, impressively synthesizing multiple fields of study. He organizes his material to fit its evolutionary nature, feeding off of what came before in order to provide a transformational ‘unified theory’ of history. Readers will gain new perspective on what they know, or think they know, about every possible discipline.”—Publishers Weekly

"Ken Wilber is a national treasure. No one is working at the integration of Eastern and Western wisdom literature with such depth or breadth of mind and heart as he." —Robert Kegan, Professor of Education, Harvard University Graduate School of Education, and author of In Over Our Heads

"When Ken Wilber’s thought walks through your mind, the door to the next higher level becomes visible. Anyone seeking to update the wisdom traditions of their lineage needs his reality and consciousness maps. The kabbalah of the future will lean on Ken’s work." —Reb Zalman Schachter-Shalomi

"Ken Wilber is today’s greatest philosopher and both critic and friend to authentic religion, a true postmodern Thomas Aquinas." —Father Richard Rohr, Center for Action and Contemplation

"In the ambitiously titled A Brief History of Everything, Wilber continues his search for the primary patterns that manifest in all realms of existence. Like Hegel in the West and Aurobindo in the East, Wilber is a thinker in the grand systematic tradition, an intellectual adventurer concerned with nothing less than the whole course of evolution, life's ultimate trajectory—in a word, everything. . . . Combining spiritual sensitivity with enormous intellectual understanding and a style of elegance and clarity, A Brief History of Everything is a clarion call for seeing the world as a whole, much at odds with the depressing reductionism of trendy Foucault-derivative academic philosophy. "—San Francisco Chronicle

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Finally There....

After a little over three months, mostly in the dead of winter, I believe I am finally comfortable and happy being retired.  During the first three months of my retirement I felt like I went through the five stages of grief.  I realize now that I had to go through that to be where I am now.

It is fully spring in my part of the world and I feel a sense of renewal.

I have forgotten, for the most part, my previous life in the world of work.  The work itself was forgotten rather quickly.  In a few months I will probably not remember where I worked or what I did.  Additionally, I have also let go of emotional attachments to social and personal relationships with people who have let go of me.  I have maintained relationships with people who truly care about me as a person.  I do not water dead flowers or beg to be remembered.  In a sense this has been very freeing.

Yesterday it occurred to me that if a can do my mindfulness meditation twice a day, walk a couple of miles in the park most days, read some books, write some blogs, listen to some music, have occasional lunches with my friends, and take a nap when I feel the need, then I am having a good day.

I look forward to each day.  In the beginning I dreaded another day at home.  I was lonely and depressed.  Now I love getting out of bed every day even if the physical act of getting out of bed is as challenging as ever.  I have a basic routine that I follow each day although it is very flexible and allows for the unexpected.

In many ways nothing has changed except my attitude.  Most of my days are still spent in solitude.  However, my solitude is now rooted in contentment instead of anxiety.  I am comfortable with my solitude but I also enjoy when I meet friends for breakfast or lunch.  Perhaps for the first time in my life I feel totally free.  For example, earlier this week I didn't sleep very well one night.  The next day I was on my way to the park for my daily walk.  I wasn't feeling very good and I was tired.  I thought to myself, "I'm retired and I don't have to do anything if I don't want to or I don't feel like it".  I turned my car around, went home, and took a nap.  Allergies are very bad in my part of the world and I think I was suffering from them.  After taking an allergy pill and having a good nap, I was fine.  The next day I was feeling great and had a very enjoyable walk in the park.

I know some of you, whether you know me personally or not, have been concerned about my well-being.  I struggle with life's changes like most of you.  However, I am doing great and hopefully the tone of my writing will be significantly more positive than it has been in recent months.  If you are sharing my struggles, hang in there because it will get better.

Monday, April 23, 2018

My Inner World

There are many places in the physical world that I have never visited.  However, I have been to many places in my inner world and I have walked on quite a few paths of my inner landscape. 

The ups and downs of my retirement have given me much to consider.  One of the things my retirement solitude has done is confirm, with little doubt, the best and the worst aspects of my personality.

Way back in the early 1980's, while I was working for a church, I took a nine month course on spiritual direction.  Part of the course was taking the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator test for the first time.  It revealed that I was an INFP which is also called the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiver type.  It is too much to explain it all here but if you want to know more about INFP's and the Myers-Briggs in general, you can find information at www.personalityperfect.com/16-personality-types.

After some years of studying the Myers-Briggs I was introduced to another system called the Enneagram.  Today there are various tests one can take to identify which of nine types you might be.  When I was first introduced to the Enneagram it was more of a self assessment in the sense that one needed to recognize and own their own behavior, good and bad, to identify your type.  Because different personalities can have similar traits and behavior it is relatively easy to mistype yourself.  I was a person who did this.  For many years I thought I was a different kind of person than I really am.

Consider this....

When you look in the mirror there are three people looking back at you.  There is the person you think you are.  There is the person other people think you are and there is the person you really are.

I now realize that I am a Type Four on the Enneagram.  Early on I suspected this but was led astray because I wanted to be a different kind of person than I really am.  Don't we all think this way at one point or another in our lives?

One way to nail down your own personality type is to own the negative aspects of your personality.  We often think we have all the best aspects of every personality type.  It also helps to look at the characteristics of the types on either side of the type you think you are.  For example, I am a Type Four.  I also have some of the characteristics of a Type Three and a Type Five.

Here are some of my best traits....

Individualistic, Perceptive, Expressive, Creative, Warm, Supportive, Refined, Compassionate, Gentle, and Witty.

Here are some of my worst traits.  It hurts me to admit to these.

Temperamental, Withdrawn, Self-absorbed, Envious, Emotionally needy, Easily hurt, Snobbish, Depressed, Critical, and Self-indulgent

Unfortunately, I can be all of these things.  My type is sometimes called the "Tragic Romantic" and that I surely can be at times.

Of course, even our personality traits are not who we really are.  Our true selves, our essence, is who we really are.  Our personalities are only a way to cope with the world around us and to get attention.

If you would like to learn more about the Enneagram this is a good place to start is www.enneagraminstitute.com.

I have learned a lot about myself and others from studying the Myers-Briggs and the Enneagram.  If you are interested in this type of stuff, I urge you to check them out.





Thursday, April 19, 2018

Hearing The Drum Beat

Yesterday one of my readers took me to task for the way I ended my last blog.

I wrote "I am not sure I am hearing a different drummer or any drummer at all right now".

She wrote "O for Christ's sake, what a depressing conclusion.  No drummer at all?  Have you not had days during which an entire drum circle was competing for your focus"?

I deserved the criticism.

For what it is worth, I am not bi-polar but I am subject to mood swings.  I can move back and forth between ecstasy and agony at a moments notice.  I tend to be a sensitive person which is both a gift and a curse.  My best moments are what I call Zen moments.  My worst moments are when I feel depressed and sorry for myself.  In most of my life the Zen moments dominate.

I love drums.  In high school I had a set of drums and occasionally jammed with other people.  Most of my life I've owned some type of percussion instrument.  When I am alone in my car I am often drumming on my steering wheel as I play music.  Once I attended a "Wild Man" retreat.  Part of the experience was a drum circle.  With a natural talent for drumming I quickly became one of the leaders and participants in the drum circle.  Some of my favorite memories are going to Grateful Dead concerts with my friends.  As soon as you got out of your car you could hear the sound of drumming in the distance.  If you have never been to a Grateful Dead concert, the parking lot scene was quite an experience.  People played drums everywhere.  The aromas of cooking food and other substances filled the air.  Freaky people were everywhere.  I fit right in.

No drummer at all?  The reality is that my head is full of the sounds of drums and other percussion.  I love bands like Santana and Talking Heads who have lots of drums and percussion.  I miss Grateful Dead concerts.

Last summer I saw the band U2 for the first time.  They were awesome.  Let me end with the lyrics to one of my favorite U2 songs called Some Days Are Better Than Others.  

Some days are dry, some days are leaky
Some days come clean, other days are sneaky
Some days take less, but most days take more
Some slip through your fingers and onto the floor.

Some days you're quick, but most days you're speedy
Some days you use more force than is necessary
Some days just drop in on us
Some days are better than others.

Some days it all adds up
And what you got is not enough
Some days are better than others.

Some days are slippy, others days sloppy
Some days you can't stand the sight of a puppy
Your skin is white but you think you're a brother
Some days are better than others.

Some days you wake up with her complaining
Some sunny days you wish it was raining
Some days are sulky, some days have a grin
And some days are better than others.

Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others.

Some days you are honest, some days are not
Some days you are thankful for what you've got
Some days you wake up in the army
And some days it's the enemy.

Some days are work, most days you are lazy
Some days you feel like a bit of a baby
Looking for Jesus and his mother
Some days are better than others.

Some days you feel ahead
You're making sense of what she said
Some days are better than others.

Some days you hear a voice
Taking you to another place
Some days are better than others. 


Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Walking In The Park

Henry David Thoreau went to the woods and lived on Walden Pond.

I walk in the local park near my home.

Thoreau wanted to live deliberately.  I want to stay healthy and avoid depression.

Thoreau wanted to "front only the essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what it had to teach and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived".

I want to pass life with more than a C+ average.  My granddaughter struggles with mathematics.  I struggle with happiness.

My day started fine.  I took my wife to work, came home and meditated, watched a little news, and then went to the grocery store.  My cashier was an older lady who told me she was a retired teacher.  She told me she could only take retirement for about three months before she became bored enough to take a part time job as a cashier at Kroger.  I told her I was at the three month time frame too and retirement had been a struggle for me as well.  She repeatedly used the term "a sense of purpose".  I flashed back to my Humana days and remembered that a sense of purpose was one of four pillars that defined well-being.  I told her I wasn't quite ready to jump from one rat race into another one.  I hope I don't end up finding my sense of purpose as a Kroger cashier or a Walmart greeter.

About midday I realized my mood was not going in the right direction.  Although an 80 year old would think I am just a kid, I was feeling old and a little sad when I watched a Moody Blues concert celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the "Days Of Future Passed" album.  There is nothing that can make you feel old faster than a 50 year old memory.

This is when I knew I had to go walk in the park.

It was a beautiful day in the park.  Though bright and sunny there was still a chill in the air.  I have noticed that other walkers in the park seem to be in a Zen like trance where all they see is the path.  I suppose I look the same to them.

"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.  Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away".
-Henry David Thoreau

I am not sure I am hearing a different drummer or any drummer at all right now.

Monday, April 16, 2018

Some Final Thoughts On Retirement

Last week I hit the three month mark of my retirement.  It is difficult to believe I have not worked for three months.  This is the longest time of my adult life that I have not worked.  Over the last few months I have shared most of my struggles as I made the transition from full time working to full time retirement.

I think I am over the hump.  My retirement is feeling more natural and I now have some loose structure and routine in my day.  My days, however, still have a lot of flexibility in them so I can occasionally have lunch with my friends or take care of needed chores.  On a personal level Monday through Friday have become my new weekend.  Saturdays and Sundays are now the days I feel out of kilter as I adjust to having my wife and granddaughter around all day.

I would like to share some retirement advice for anyone newly retired or who plans to retire soon.

It is important to prepare financially for retirement.  I was lucky to work many years for a major corporation and I took full advantage of opportunities to save money and to make that money grow.  My company also offered me an early retirement package after 32 years of service.  In this regard I was exceptionally fortunate.

Although money is very important it is not the only thing that you should focus on when you get ready to retire.  I realized too late that I was not really prepared emotionally or psychologically for an abrupt end to my working life.  In the immediate days and weeks of my retirement I was lonely and depressed.  It did not help that I retired in the dead of winter.  Meditation and exercise have helped me deal with my negative moods, anxiety, and occasional depression.

If your life revolved around your job and office relationships, you might be in for a shock.  My motivation for working was making a living, getting a paycheck, and supporting my family.  The actual work wasn't very fulfilling.  It was after I left the workplace that I understood the importance of the friendships and social interactions I had with co-workers.  I have had a few surprises in regard to workplace friendships.  You may be surprised when you realize who forgets you and who makes the effort to stay in touch with you.

You should not build your life around the workplace.  I failed to develop a life outside of the workplace.  As an introvert I was usually exhausted at the end of days spent dealing with other people.  When I worked I enjoyed any opportunities for solitude and I couldn't wait to get home at the end of a workday.  Upon retirement I had too much solitude and few friendships with people that hadn't been part of my work life.

My spouse is still working.  If you and your significant other retire together, if you actually enjoy one another's company, and if you have similar interests, retirement may be a breeze for you.  I retired alone.  Time will tell what life will be like when my wife eventually retires.  We are very different kinds of people.

Although I have struggled with retirement, I am glad I did it.  It was time for me to get out of the workplace for all kinds of reasons.  My future is unknown to me.  I am not sure if or when something will reveal itself to me that gives new meaning to my life.  One possibility that crosses my mind is finding a way to help other people deal with aging, loneliness, and feeling disconnected from life.  Social isolation is a real problem for older people as they leave the routine of daily work and no longer have the support and friendships of the workplace..

I hope what I have written is helpful for you as you begin or contemplate your own retirement.

Thursday, April 12, 2018

A Good Day

Yesterday was a good day. 

My day started off as usual with an early rising.  After taking my wife to work I came home and did my morning meditation.  I strive to meditate twice a day.  It is simple mindfulness meditation where I sit in silence and solitude and focus on my breath.  I have been very faithful to this in recent months and I think it has calmed me down and reduced my occasional anxiety.

Later in the morning I met some former co-workers for breakfast.  Two of them retired from Humana at the same time as me.  It was a typical guy's breakfast.  We had an enjoyable time talking about life in general and how each of us was coping and adjusting to our retirement.  I was the one who seemed to have had the most difficult time making the adjustment.  After three months of struggle I think I am finally getting used to it.  For the most part I now have a routine but it is a routine with a lot of flexibility.

The highlight of the breakfast gathering was an unexpected encounter with another former co-worker who just happened to be eating breakfast in the same restaurant.  Our friendship goes back over 30 years to literally my earliest days at Humana.  When she saw me from across the room she jumped up and gave me a long and very warm hug.  It was not something you normally see in the main dining area of your local Cracker Barrel restaurant.  Later in the day we texted one another to arrange a lunch date for the near future.

Being the introvert that I am, the two hour very lively breakfast I had took a lot out of me despite the fact that I had a very good time.  I went home and chilled out for a while before heading to the park for a walk.

It was a beautiful day in the park.  It was a warm and sunny day although still a bit cool in shaded areas.  However, it truly felt like a spring day.  There were signs of new life everywhere from the budding trees to various flowers popping up through the ground.  I have finally figured out a path through the park that equates to a two mile walk.  When I first started walking I could barely walk a mile.  Now I am up to two miles.  Over time I hope to slowly increase my endurance and distance.  If it is not too much to hope for I would also like to have a flat stomach at some point.  Today is forecasted to be another beautiful day with temperatures in the high 70's so I will soon head to the park again.  Afterwards, I need to run past the grocery and pick up a few things.

For those that care about me and who sometimes worry about me, I am feeling good.  Time heals most things and perhaps it is finally spring in my life after a very long winter.   

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Expect Nothing, Appreciate Everything

In general, I am pretty good about living with a grateful heart.  I strive to remind myself on a regular basis that I have a good life, especially on a material level.  There is no doubt that I live a more comfortable life than many people in the world.  As I live my life I try to appreciate everything, big and small, that makes my life better.

Where I struggle is having expectations of life and people when almost every spiritual tradition tells us to have no expectations about anything or anyone.  The source of much personal unhappiness is having expectations about life and people.  As a result I am often disappointed.  To be fair, I subject myself to these same unrealistic expectations and therefore I am often disappointed in my own behavior as well.

It is very difficult to have no expectations.  We all want things from life and other people.  We may even need these things.  Too often I expect life, other people, and myself to be at peak performance.  More often than not, life and people, including me, seem to under perform.  I am rarely surprised by other people's behavior.  At the same time, even though I am now 67 years old, I continuously fall into the same dysfunctional patterns of behavior and thinking.  Keep in mind that I am a man who has spent much of his life consciously trying to become a better version of myself.  Less I appear too unkind and lacking compassion towards my fellow men and woman, I am as guilty as anyone.

How do we live better lives?  How can we live in such a way that doesn't disappoint most of the people around us, whether it be at home or in the work place?  I honestly don't know.  Many times I feel like a failure in this great experiment called life.  I am sure I must disappoint some people on a daily basis especially since my reputation is sometimes greatly enhanced by people.

I think we can be happier if we have no expectations.  Without expectations we are rarely disappointed.  When we have no expectations every good act or deed is a surprise to us.  We are probably most happy when we are surprised by life.  If we are constantly disappointed, only sadness can follow.

I apologize to anyone I have disappointed by not meeting their expectations.  The reality is that I am a very flawed human being.

Sunday, April 08, 2018

With The Trees For Companions

I just returned from a walk in the park.  My mind needed some fresh air.  Yesterday I woke up to an inch of snow on the ground.  Today the snow is gone but it is cool, overcast, and a bit dreary.  I decided I needed to get out of the house.  There were only a few other people in the park and all of them seemed to find smiling a challenge.

As I walked along the paths, with only the trees as companions, it occurred to me that I have spent much of my life alone.  It is not the aloneness of solitary confinement.  It is often a self-chosen solitude.  Other times it is a sense of feeling alone even when other people are present.  On rare occasions I actually feel like I am really with another person or persons.  Presence can be a wonderful experience.

The picture above is not me but it could be.

It is well documented that I am an introvert.  In general, introverts are more comfortable being alone than extroverts.  Can introverts feel lonely?  Let me assure you that we can.  Introverts do not hate other people and we are not really anti-social.  Many of us are not the least bit shy.  I would imagine that a shy extrovert could be very lonely if they don't have the social skills to put themselves out there and mix with other people.  We introverts often enjoy being with other people but it is usually exhausting for us.  At some point we need to break away and be alone to re-charge our batteries.

When I feel lonely or down in the dumps, I wonder why.  These feelings have been quite common in my retirement.  What is it I want or need?  I do enjoy my own company.  Solitary walks in the park aren't all bad.  Solitude can be a very good thing.  However, I think it is the lack of connection with other people and a lack of purpose that can make us feel lonely or lost.  It is not enough in life to just enjoy your own company, at least it is not enough for me.  All of us need some level of connection to someone and something beyond ourselves.

A friend in Scotland wrote to me and informed me that my recent thoughts on loneliness were being used in discussion groups revolving around loneliness in elderly and retired people.  It made me happy that my current struggles and pain were serving some good purpose.  It also reminded me that most human struggles are universal.  An old person in Scotland is really no different than an old person in America.  At the end of the day we are all human beings with a need for love and connectedness.  

Thursday, April 05, 2018

Personal Identity

Much of my writing in recent months has been about the difficulty I've had as I transition to a retired life.  I am not sure exactly what a retired life really is.  If a retired life is a life of nothingness, then I do not want a retired life.  I prefer to think of a retired life as a life when one no longer works purely for money.  I may or may not ever work for money again.  I feel like my current life is a transition between my former life and whatever future life I will have.  In a sense, I am currently in a void or a tunnel between the past and the future.

Part of the struggle is the question of identity.  I spent 32 years of my life working for the same company.  Most of those years were spent as a leader and most of my time was in the same building.  Over the years I developed a reputation and an identity.  I was seen by some as the office hippie and by others as a "Zen Master".  Many knew me as the man who wrote daily thoughts which many people identified with as though they were written for them personally.  Some thought of me as the youngest old person they ever knew.  I also was known as a compassionate and caring leader who believed in the idea of servant leadership.  In other words I was Michael Brown.  When people thought of me it was generally with good thoughts.  I may have had my detractors but they were few.

The question is who am I now?

I am no longer the office hippie, Zen master, hip old guy, or the kind and compassionate servant leader.  That Michael Brown is gone.

If Michael Brown falls down in the forest and there's no one there to hear the sound, does he make any noise?

I have always believed in the importance of balance and what I call the tension of opposites.  As I have mentioned before, I always loved my solitude in the past.  However, in the past it was always balanced with full time work and the management of other people.  By the end of a typical work day or work week I was more than ready for some solitude.  Although I was a people person in the work place, people often drove me crazy.  Interaction with people involved a level of tension between meeting their needs and becoming exhausted from doing so.

It would seem that my current challenge is to discover a new identity.  Who and what am I now?  The old man has died and the new man is in the birth canal waiting to be born.  Being born or reborn is a painful experience.  Whatever is giving birth to me is still in labor.

Wednesday, April 04, 2018

Wandering Around

Nothing has gone wrong today but it has seemed like a frustrating day.  It started off well enough when I was invited to lunch on Friday with two former co-workers.  I wasn't sure I would be available but things worked out.  Afterwards, though, I tried unsuccessfully to get my granddaughter out of bed before the maids arrived.  I am fortunate to have a cleaning service tidy up my house once a month.  When they finally arrived I told them to skip my granddaughter's room.  Usually when the maids arrive I leave the house until they are done with their work.  I did my usual thing and went to a nearby coffee shop.  For reasons unknown I felt like I was having a panic attack while I was quietly drinking my coffee.  I went outside for some fresh air and then I just sat in my car for a little while.  Eventually I drove around for a while before finally heading home.  My timing was perfect as the maids were wrapping things up as I arrived home.  My granddaughter slept through the whole experience and is still in bed at this moment.

I am very tired of having these emotional ups and downs.  Even meditation doesn't always help.  It seems my emotions are at a heightened sensibility.  The slightest thing can change my mood for better or worse.  There is a saying in some spiritual and psychological circles that goes, "Before you can have a break thru, you must have a breakdown".  Some days I think I am close to that point.

My granddaughter is going back home tonight.  She is not happy about it but her Dad wants to spend some time with her while she is on spring break.  I am sure she will have a good time with him.  He is a good Dad.  Tomorrow I will have a "normal" day where I can come and go as I please.  So far this week I haven't been walking.  Tomorrow I will walk for sure.

I am hoping to have an enjoyable lunch on Friday.  At the very least the drive to the restaurant will do me good.  

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Feelings Of Loneliness

I have never felt truly lonely in my life until I retired.  Ironically, retirement is supposed to be one of the best times of your life.  You've run the race and crossed the finish line.  Now it is time to celebrate.  I must be honest and say the last three months have not felt like a party, a vacation, or a celebration.

Loneliness is not so much the absence of people as it is the feeling that you have been forgotten.  It is the sense that everyone who was ever part of your life has moved on and left you behind.  Occasionally I find myself sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, and wondering if any other human being ever thinks of me.

I know I have a personality type that has a basic fear of having no identity or personal significance.  My personality type often feels different from others but does not really want to be alone.  What is my current identity?  What is my current significance?  As I write these thoughts I am doing the laundry.  Is that my new purpose?  Who am I and what is my purpose when no one else is around?  Who really cares and who really needs me?  Everyone seems to be doing fine without me.  

Intellectually, I know that most of my struggles since retiring are in large part because of the kind of person I am.  It is painful to admit that I am a little needier and insecure than I like to admit.  I think I need an audience, some attention, occasional feedback, and acknowledgement that I exist and matter.  I cannot live in my own vacuum.  There is not enough air and I am feeling light headed.

Some of you who read these thoughts know me personally and will think, "How can Michael possibly feel like this?  He's such a great guy"!  Believe me when I say that I never expected to feel like this either.  I know I can't expect other people to pump me up every day.  However, I now realize people did this for me on a regular basis.  I used to receive a lot of positive affirmation from a lot of people.  When I still worked some people jokingly referred to me as a "legend".  In reality I was a little overrated but I did have a good reputation and I enjoyed a decent level of popularity.  Now I feel like I am in exile.

Hopefully, I will work through this sooner or later.  I may be impatient with myself.  Of course, I do wonder how many of my fears are based on reality or just my own mind punishing me.  Our own minds are often our worst enemy.  How many of us on a daily basis feel like Jesus in the desert when the devil is tempting him with various questions.  I can sometimes hear the voices when they say, "Who told you that you matter to anyone?  Who told you that you made a difference in anyone's life?  Who told you that people will care when you are no longer doing something for them?  

I am grateful for writing.  In recent months much of my writing may have seemed negative.  I'm sure some of you expected me to write more about the joys of retirement.  In all fairness, there have been some good days and moments.  In all truthfulness, it has mostly been a struggle.  I write about it because I know that other people have had similar difficulty adjusting to the retired life.      

Friday, March 30, 2018

Some Thoughts On Love

In 1970 Eric Clapton, one of my all time favorite musicians, released an album called Layla And Other Assorted Love Songs.  The entire album was inspired by his unrequited love for the wife of his best friend.  His best friend was George Harrison, who, of course, was one of the Beatles.  One of the songs on the album was called "Why Does Love Got To Be So Sad"?  Eventually Eric got the girl but eventually he also lost the girl.

Is love sad?  I don't know about sad but it can be painful.

I believe all of our lives are a continuous search for love.  We all want to be loved and feel loved.  This is the rub.  Being loved and feeling loved are not the same thing.  When I was somewhere in my fifties I began to realize that the great inner struggle of my life was the feeling that no one really loved me and I often felt rejected.  I know, or at least I believe, that many people do love me.  However, as some people say, I wasn't feeling the love or the acceptance.

Why do so many people feel unloved?

Most of our ideas about love are idealistic and not grounded in reality.  Romantic love often draws people together but many times is the first thing to go in long term relationships.  When the babies are born, the careers are taking off, and the world is kicking your ass, life doesn't usually feel very romantic.  Hats off to any couple who has maintained romantic love over the long haul.  I honestly think they are few and far apart.  It is common for some people to find true love later in life when the tasks of living are mostly behind them.

Our search for love is highly influenced by our experience of love or the lack of love.

My parents and family rarely showed love to one another as I was growing up.  Some of my siblings may disagree with me but this is how it looked from my perspective.  We were not a warm and fuzzy family who expressed a lot of emotion.  I honestly cannot remember being told I was loved or ever being hugged as a child.  As a teenager I was always falling in love with girls who eventually broke my heart.  As an adult, people sometimes tell me they love me.  Some people love me who don't even know me.  They love my public persona as the writer.  Other people love me who know me personally but they don't really know the real me.  Some people may love me but I don't know it.  Other people love me in a real way but it might feel very abstract to me.  

Some psychologists say that our personalities became what they are because we subconsciously think we need to act a certain way in order for other people to love us.  If I am perfect, people will love me.  If I am loving, people will love me.  If I am successful, people will love me.  If I am different, people will love me.  If I am smart, people will love me.  If I am dependable, people will love me.  If I am fun, people will love me.  If I am strong, people will love me.  If I am peaceful and calm, people will love me and on and on and on.

It is not enough to love people in your heart.  They have to know and feel they are loved.  Love is not meant to be abstract.  Don't assume the people in your life know they are loved.  Chances are that they don't.  With love I think we are all a little insecure.  Show the love you feel.

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Getting Out Of The House Part II

Earlier this week I had a birthday and turned 67 years old.  No one is more shocked than me to be this age.  These days I am feeling very old.

I have now been retired for nearly three months.  Although I am slowly getting used to it, it may be the hardest thing I have ever done.  The only thing that may be harder is unemployment without any money coming in.  I am grateful that I do not need to work and that I do have money.  Interestingly enough, I now think working was much easier than being retired.  Although there are aspects of retirement I enjoy, in other ways I hate it.  This has been a shock to me.  I thought it would be easier.  Two hard truths I have learned in retirement is that I am prone to loneliness and depression.  I have always enjoyed limited solitude but was not prepared for the loneliness of being home alone every day.  Last night I was watching the television show called "Survivor".  One player, in a private moment, said that when she retired from the military she felt like she had lost all her friends.  This was followed by a divorce which made her realize she was totally alone.  I am still married but I totally understand her feelings.  When I stopped working I felt like I had lost all my friends.  Additionally, as long as I worked, I always had a best friend.  Now I don't and I miss having a confidant I can talk to about whatever is on my mind.  I have always been a person prone to moodiness and melancholy even if most people didn't notice it.  Some days of my retirement I have been very depressed.  It doesn't help that it seems like it has snowed, rained, or been overcast most days.  I feel like I can count on one hand the sunny days I have experienced since retirement.  On those rare days I usually feel much more upbeat.

To fight all these negative feelings I make myself get out of the house every day.  Most days I go to a local Mall and I walk.  The Mall is bright, colorful, and has some life even if it is mostly other old people probably feeling like me or young mothers pushing their small children around in strollers.  When I am at the Mall I can get some exercise while thinking all the thoughts I cannot write about in a public blog such as this one.  I am often overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings about my life.  This is an unfortunate occurrence for introspective people such as me.  I have often written about the joy of just being but on a personal level it is extremely difficult for me to do.  Just as my body needs some daily exercise, my mind needs to also air itself out.

I am generally a strong person but these days I am being tested in ways I never expected.  I do feel like I am truly on my own although I know there are people who care about me.  I don't mean this to be negative but you really can't depend on other people to get you through your own life.  Sooner or late you have to stand on your own two feet.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Always Be Kind

Over the weekend I was driving home from the movies.  My granddaughter was in the car with me.  When I stopped at a stop sign I saw a young Muslim woman with small children.  I waved to her and indicated that she could cross the street safely because I saw her.  As she walked by I smiled at her and she smiled back.

As we continued our drive my granddaughter said, "That was very nice of you, Paw Paw".  I said, "Chloe, you should always be kind when you have the opportunity".  After a slight pause she added, "You know, Paw Paw, you never know how much it affects another person's day when you are nice to them".  I am so happy that Chloe sees the impact of kindness to other human beings.  Maybe having a hippie grandfather with a Buddhist heart is paying off.

We live in a society that is often hostile.  People are tired, cranky, and stressed out.  People call one another names and flip one another off.  Many people live in the world as though no one else is in it.

Sometimes, all we need is a little kindness.  Imagine a world where everyone practiced random acts of kindness and senseless beauty.  I want to walk through my life seeing the world as a beautiful place where kindness is so common that you don't even notice it.  This is the kind of world I want my granddaughter and others to also live in every day.  If each of us practiced mindfulness as continuous acts of kindness, what a wonderful world it would be.  

When in doubt, just be nice.  I have never regretted a single act of kindness. 

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Being Productive

I spent nearly half my life working for a major corporation.  Most of that time I was in management.  The most commonly heard word over the years was productivity.  At the end of the day it was all about the numbers.  Some numbers were too high while other numbers were too low.  Daily life was a juggling act to balance the numbers appropriately.  I actually had a reputation with many people as a numbers guy.  There was also talk about the need to develop people and help them to grow but the underlying intent was to make them more productive.  The image of Lucy and Ethel working on the candy wrapping assembly line is not too far from the truth.

Nearly three months into my retirement I still feel the need and pressure to be productive.  I need to read more books, do more meditation, watch more documentaries, play more music, take more walks, do more chores, write more "Daily Thoughts", etc.  It is difficult to break the cycle of a lifetime of constant pressure to be productive.  Most days my wife asks me "What did you do today"?

Theoretically, I believe in leisure.  There is even a school of thought that considers leisure as a sacred thing.  However, it is challenging to do nothing and still feel like you are doing something of value with your time.  I know that wasting time is not necessarily a bad thing but the reality is that so far in my retirement I have yet to spend a day doing nothing.  Would the world stop spinning if I didn't take a walk in the park?

I do not want to spend the rest of my life sitting in a chair and staring out my window.  I also do not want to spend the rest of my life driven to fill my day with endless activities.  At my age do I really need to feel a sense of accomplishment?  Are the primary tasks of my life not already accomplished?  I became an adult, got married, stayed married, started and finished a career, raised my children, and saved my money.  What else has to be done?  What else is truly necessary?  When do I get to finally relax?  Even though I am retired, I am not yet relaxed.

My Buddhist knowledge tells me I need to just let everything go and focus my attention on what is essential.  This is challenging because it is not always easy to determine who and what is truly essential.

Life demands movement.  Movement demands action.  Action usually involves a task.  A task is something that needs to be accomplished and accomplishments require some level of productivity.

I guess it all gets back to balance.  When I find the balance, I will feel the relaxation.  

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

The Greatest Mystery

The greatest mystery in the universe is women.  Even Stephen Hawking was stumped when asked about women. 

I don't have a particular issue or question at the moment but I do think about this from time to time. 

Are women really from Venus and men from Mars?

A male friend, who is gay, once told me he had a problem with women.  I said, "Dude, I'm straight and I have a problem with women".

Most of my career I mostly managed women.  It was like having twenty wives at a time.  With the men, nothing was ever a big deal.  With most of the women, everything was a big deal.

I was walking through a book store once and I saw a book lying on a table of discounted books.  One caught my eye and it was titled Everything I Know About Women.  It was written by a man.  I opened up the book and all the pages were blank.  I am not making this up.

Who knows what women want?  I have misunderstood or misinterpreted almost everything any woman I have ever know has ever said or done.  To be fair, maybe I am the problem.

In all honesty, I love women.  I prefer the company of women over men.  Women seem to like me.  However, I still don't understand women.  Even my dearly loved granddaughter is becoming more and more of a mystery to me.

I guess some mysteries are never meant to be solved.     

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Getting Out Of The House

I am trying to get out of the house at least once a day for some exercise. 

Admittedly, I tend to prefer passive activities like reading, listening to music, or watching films. 

This week I have begun watching Ken Burns massive documentary on the Vietnam war.  It is not something you can binge watch.  I can only watch one or two discs per day.  At times it is difficult viewing.  Although I was not in the military, Vietnam looms large in my consciousness.  In my youth there was still a draft and many of my generation, including me, protested the war.

I have many new books to read but cannot seem to muster the focus to read them.

As much as I love music, I do not blast rock and roll all day.  My early mornings are mostly silent.

Although today is the first day of Spring, and yesterday the temperature was in the low 60's, we now have a winter storm watch and may get as much as five inches of snow tonight.  We may also get zero inches of snow.  Weather is very unpredictable in my part of the world.

Most days the weather is overcast and cold.  On such days the park can be a lonely and bleak place.  This week I have been opting for walking at the Mall.  There are not many people there except the shop keepers and older people like me trying to get some exercise.  It is warm, bright, and seemingly full of life.  It lifts my mood.  If you want you can take a break at Starbucks or on one of many benches.  So far I have successfully walked past the Cinnabon store.

When I left the Mall I went to Barnes & Noble to look for a CD that I didn't find.  I decided to grab a bite to eat at the Starbucks within the store.  I ordered a panini sandwich.  My advice to Starbucks is to focus on coffee.  Sandwiches are not their strength.

My last stop was a pop in at Kroger for some trash bags and butter before gassing up the car.

This is my life now.  Try not to be too envious.

Time for a nap before I take a shower....

Sunday, March 18, 2018

A Question Of Balance

I am now into my third month of retirement and finally getting used to it.  The first two months were difficult and included bouts of loneliness, anxiety, depression, and boredom.  It was also a time when I felt forgotten even if that really wasn't the case.  Occasional lunches with friends and a couple of visits to my former workplace have helped.  My visit to the monastery last week was a major boost to my mood, so much so that I may go out there once a month just to breathe.  I realize there are some parts of my pre-retirement past that I need to let go.  However, there are other aspects, particularly with people and relationships, where I am not ready to say farewell yet.  Some will fall away naturally but others I hope never do.

Earlier I felt bored so I went outside and sat in the sun.  It is a beautiful day and the sun was warm.  I meditated for about twenty minutes before feeling compelled to sit at my desk and write these thoughts.

When I was a working man I lived for the weekends.  Now I dislike them.  The weekends now throw off all sense of balance and routine.  My wife has been home for three days but she is where I used to be and I am no longer there.  My granddaughter hasn't been with us this weekend either.  She is at my house 99% of the time on weekends and brings energy and life...sometimes too much...to my life.  There's nothing like a teenager to keep two old people alive.  Monday through Friday is now my personal weekend.  I am slowly developing a routine for myself.  I learned a long time ago that I need some routine and structure in my life in order to have a sense of balance.  This is why I didn't take advantage of working at home when I was still in the rat race of work.  If I had to work, I needed the discipline and structure of having to go into the office.  It sometimes felt like a prison but I needed it while I was a working man.  Part of my retirement struggle has been due to the lack of a disciplined and structured life.

Tomorrow is a new week and aside from a couple of scheduled lunches my plate is mostly empty.  This week I want to be more disciplined about getting out of the house.  I have yet to make it to the park five days in a row.  If it rains I will strive to make myself go to the Mall to walk.  It has become very evident to me that when I sit around too much I feel physically bad and I often think myself into depression.  The more active I am the better I feel physically and mentally.  I think I will soon seriously consider some volunteer opportunities.  However, I admit I have a fear of becoming overly committed to something.  I am free for the first time in my adult life and I can't go back to a life of no freedom.

Once again the word is balance.

On a side note, this weekend I received my DNA results from Ancestry.com.  I always thought I was mostly of an Irish background but it turns out that my DNA is 69% British, 10% Western European, 8% Irish/Scottish/Welsh and the rest from a variety of regions.  I am not sure what I think about all of this yet.  It is another piece of the puzzle that is my identity.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Just People Trying To Get Through The Day

Yesterday on my way to the monastery I visited Small Town, USA.  All small towns look the same to me.  I stopped at a fast food restaurant for some breakfast.  My guess is that I was the only person in the restaurant who didn't vote for Donald Trump.  Every man in the restaurant looked like a "good ole boy".  They were all wearing baseball hats.  I was the only man wearing a knitted, multi-colored hat that I bought at Earthbound.  No one could see my long hair or the Buddhist medallion I was wearing.  My progressive, liberal views were not on display but I was definitely feeling like an outsider.

I started up a conversation with a man standing next to me.  We disclosed that we were both retired.  He told me that he retired from General Electric when he was 55 years old.  He asked about my retirement so I told him I had retired after 32 years with Humana.  He responded, "Humana?  You must have had one of them good jobs".  I know he assumed I was some kind of executive or management person.  He had a pension.  I have a 401K.

If I had "one of them good jobs", why did this man get to retire at the relatively young age of 55 and I had to work until I was 66 years old?

The conversation was actually kind of enjoyable.  I know that if we got into politics we would probably have many disagreements.  Yesterday, however, we were just two retired guys trying to get some breakfast and hoping we got our senior citizen discount.

It is my experience that whenever I have random and unplanned conversations with other human beings, we are just people trying to get through the day.  America is a very divided country right now.  This divide is maintained because leaders on both sides of the divide are constantly stirring the pot of hatred and mistrust.  I am not discounting the reality that there are some serious issues in our culture and society.  However, the temperature of our discourses could be lowered significantly if we just shared a biscuit and a cup of coffee and talked to one another.

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

A Visit To The Monastery

Early this morning I left Louisville in darkness and drove into the light.  The morning rush hour on I-65 was very intense as I left downtown.  An accident in the northbound lane had traffic backed up for many miles.  Thankfully, I was driving south.  Everyone was in a hurry to get somewhere.  I was in a hurry to get nowhere.  Soon I got off at the Bardstown exit and had a more enjoyable drive.  When I got to Bardstown I stopped for some breakfast and had a conversation with another retiree about how glad we were not to be in charge of baking the morning biscuits at Hardee's.  As we talked the place was just buzzing with activity.  I was happy to get back into my car to continue my solitary drive to the monastery.  The countryside was beautiful since much of it was still covered in a light snowfall.

When I got to the monastery the sun was fully risen and the day was cold.  The monastery retreat house is closed for renovation so there were virtually no people anywhere.  Later in the morning while I was meditating in the church I did see Brother Luke who seemed to be preparing for the next prayer service.  He is the primary organist at the monastery.

After visiting the gravesite of my dear friend, Dennis, I decided to take a walk to the site of the old and now demolished cow barn.  When I was a novice monk at the monastery the cow barn was a place of great activity.  At that time the monastery had a very large herd of Holstein milking cows.  The milk was used to make the famous Trappist cheese.  Almost every afternoon one of my jobs was to feed the cows.  I did this with Brother Alban, Brother Columban, and the very dear Brother Ferdinand.  Brother Ferdinand was an older and very holy monk that kind of took me under his wing.  I can still remember his slight embarrassment when I asked him to explain to me...a city boy...the difference between a cow and a heifer.

After finishing my walk I visited the gift shop.  I walked out with a new coffee mug, three jars of Trappist jelly, two bars of French soap, and a book on the life of Dom James Fox, a former abbot and a towering figure in the story of Thomas Merton.  When I was in the monastery, Dom James was living in a hermitage up in the knobs.  I was fortunate to visit him there a few times when Brother Norbert will drive there on Sunday mornings to bring Dom James to the monastery for Sunday mass and a good meal.  I also remember one private one on one meeting with him.  Dom James was a big part of the history of Gethsemani.

I had a pleasant drive home on the scenic route.  However, at one point my GPS said I was driving in the middle of a field when I know I was on a highway!

Now I am home and it is time for a nap...

Monday, March 12, 2018

The Inner Journey

For all it's ups and downs so far, retirement has been a reflective time.  Much of my time has been spent ruminating on the question "Who am I now"?  Whatever purpose I had in the workplace is gone now.  What is my new purpose?

In the book How To Retire Happy, Wild, and Free by Ernie Zelinski  I recently read "retirement is not a time to sleep, but a time to awaken to the beauty of the world around you".  This doesn't necessarily mean beauty to be found in some faraway land.  It could be the beauty of your own neighborhood which you may not have noticed when you were living a busier and more frantic life.

Some driven types go from the busyness of a career to the busyness of new activities in retirement.  They hardly miss a beat.  Others go from a full schedule to a life of relative emptiness as the phones stop ringing and the emails stop flowing.

"Happiness is not a matter events; it depends on the tides of the mind".
-Alice Meynell

I also like this bit of wisdom from Seneca.

"The gradually declining years are among the sweetest in a man's life".

I am not sure I have found this sweetness yet but I look forward to finding it.

A man named Howard Salzman says, "Retirement is a time to make the inner journey".

I think one of the dangers of retirement is to think you need to retire in the same manner as every other retired person.  Retirement, like all of life, is very personal.  Thomas Merton, in the last public appearance he made, at a conference in Bangkok, Thailand, said, "It's time for everyone to stand on their own two feet".  In other words, you can't always depend on other people or the "system" to support you.  Retirement is a time to discover who you were meant to be now that what you did has come to an end.  Most of us spend much of our lives thinking our identity is based on what we do, not on who we are.

The inner journey is a journey of self-discovery and letting go.  Some people and things are relatively easy to let go.  Others are more painful.

"The greater part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances.
-Martha Washington