The Inner Light

There is a gentle rain outside my window. Inside there is the swishing of the washing machine and the tumbling of the dryer. Music is also playing in the background as I dive in and out of a good book that I am reading between laundry chores. This afternoon I have been able to salvage part of my weekend. Yesterday was full of busyness and minor chaos as the home improvements continue and the dust is stirred up. This morning was partially spent gathering items for a run to the Goodwill store. That was a chore I didn't mind because I love getting rid of stuff that might be useful to others. Before the activity started I did have some wonderful quiet moments when I was alone and the rest of the family was still asleep in their beds. My son is home this weekend but will be returning to the seminary in a few hours. He was home for the weekend to attend an ordination and to visit the inner city parish where he will live this summer.

Friday afternoon, and again this morning at 4:00 AM when I suddenly woke up from a deep sleep, I had some moments of clarity about something I have been struggling with for a long time. Sometimes it takes me forever to make a decision but once I make it, it's usually over. Hopefully, I will implement my decision before I loose my resolve. It's not really a life changing decision but is concerning something that's been troubling me for a while.

Without intending to sound too esoteric, in a certain sense I feel as though I have lost myself and my way these days. Nothing is really wrong, at least no more than usual, but I am feeling like I don't know where I am in my life. I'm not really unhappy, in fact I am rather content. What I feel like I have lost is a sense of purpose and direction. By not having a sense of where I am, I am not sure where I am heading either. Of course, at my age it might not be a bad thing to lack a sense of purpose and direction. I fully support the idea of living without a goal. Perhaps my only goal should be to live, be where I am, and do whatever I am doing...like typing these notes so people unknown can read them. The problem with being a spiritual seeker, always on a quest and always on a journey, is the sense that you actually have to go somewhere to find something. I am reminded of a song by George Harrison entitled "The Inner Light".

Without going out of my door,
I can know all things on earth
without looking out of my window,
I can know the ways of heaven.

The farther one travels
the less one knows
the less one really knows.

Without going out of your door,
You can know all things on earth
without looking out of your window,
you can know the ways of heaven.

The farther one travels
the less one knows
the less one really knows.

Arrive without travelling,
See all without looking,
Do all without doing.

I think I am going to just stay in my house. (smile)